I was so nervous about things being perfect before I decided to commit to doing anything, as opposed to making sure the situation felt good and just trying things out. “Just trying something” felt like it could be a disaster, if I cared deeply about someone but wasn’t sure what I wanted. I could wreck it all for nothing. What changed the game was running things past someone who’s well-versed in consent/good relationship dynamics and listens well, and having you say, “Sounds great to me!”
I wanted to not stay paralyzed on the sidelines if there was something good in front of me. I wanted to create a rock-solid foundation of communication and consent, and to move at a pace that felt natural (and that pace could be hard to find). I wanted to get what I needed while being good to my partner, and honest. I wanted to feel safe enough to be transformed by love, while remaining thoroughly myself. I also wanted to trust myself enough to recognize what wouldn’t be good for me in the long run – and when it was time to leave.
Role-play with you has made me cry several times, and I’m not a frequent cryer. It was a little shocking how quickly it cut to the heart of things that hurt me. When done honestly, it created a clarity and catharsis that I rarely get in the rest of life; it booted me out of my overthink-tornados and into the present moment of my own heart. I didn’t realize before that my heart and head could be in such different places simultaneously; you taught me to pay somatic attention (mostly via in-person touch-based coaching) and eventually this enabled me to ask myself questions and spontaneously hear the answers.
To someone considering working with you, I would say “If you’re not at least a little bit intrigued by the premise, don’t do it. If you are even somewhat intrigued, there’s probably more here for you than you expect. Working alongside Kassandra has been critical on the path to becoming myself as I would like to be. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to have an identical experience, but there’s a lot to be said for the skills she teaches if they relate to anything (or anyone) you care about.”
Most people could benefit from this work; the critical factor is really their openness to change, or an awareness that something is off and it could be better. Your biggest payoff might be starting to understand how much better things can actually be. It’s work that takes focus and vulnerability and support, but I’ve used it to make beautiful patterns with my loved ones, and to break patterns that needed to be broken.My biggest payoff from working with Kassandra has been the sense of freedom that grows out of looking at myself, my possibilities and agency from new angles. The moments when I’ve had that clarity, though still fewer than I’d like, have been critical to my growth. It’s nice to unabashedly look at what I want and to have a voice that says, “Why shouldn’t that be possible?”